Man Up!

What Does It Mean to Be a Man in 2025?

There are certain phrases that seem to follow men throughout their lives. They arrive in different voices and in different places but the message underneath is often remarkably similar. Sometimes it comes from fathers who want their sons to become resilient. Sometimes it comes from coaches who want their players to become tougher. Sometimes it comes from mates trying to encourage each other through difficult moments and sometimes it becomes a voice we carry around in our own heads.

“Man up”

Most of us have heard it. Many of us have said it. Yet very few of us have stopped to think about what it actually means. I don’t believe the phrase itself is the problem. I don’t think every father, teacher, coach or workmate who has ever used those words was trying to cause harm. In most cases, the intentions were good. People wanted boys to become responsible. They wanted them to learn perseverance. They wanted them to understand that life isn’t always easy and that some things have to be endured rather than avoided. Those aren’t bad lessons but somewhere along the way, I wonder whether the meaning became distorted. For many men, “man up” slowly became synonymous with silence. It stopped meaning “be brave” and started meaning “don’t show weakness.” It stopped meaning “keep going” and started meaning “keep quiet.” Over time, many men learned that struggling should remain private and that asking for help somehow made them less masculine. Perhaps that’s why so many men have become exceptionally good at surviving, whilst quietly forgetting how to live.

When Strength Becomes Survival

Survival can look remarkably normal from the outside. Someone still gets up in the morning. They still go to work. They still pay the bills. They still answer messages and laugh at jokes and make plans for the weekend. Nothing appears dramatically wrong but internally, life can become something to get through rather than something to experience. I’ve met plenty of men like this over the years. Men who are functioning but not flourishing. Men who are exhausted but still showing up. Men who are anxious but still working. Men who are grieving, overwhelmed or lonely but continue convincing themselves they’ll deal with it later. The trouble is that later has a habit of arriving.

Emotional pain doesn’t disappear because we ignore it. Stress doesn’t vanish because we bury it. Anxiety doesn’t resolve itself because we refuse to acknowledge it. More often than not, these things simply find another way to express themselves. Sometimes through anger. Sometimes through exhaustion. Sometimes through addiction. Sometimes through relationship problems and sometimes, tragically, through hopelessness.

Why So Many Men Become Experts at Pretending

Perhaps one of the saddest things about modern masculinity is not that men struggle because everyone struggles. The sadness lies in how many men have become experts at pretending they don’t. Many men can tell you exactly how much money is in their bank account, how much fuel is left in the van or what time they need to be on site tomorrow morning but ask them how they’re really feeling and the answer is often far less clear.

Not because they don’t have emotions. Not because they don’t care but because they’ve spent years learning how to suppress rather than understand them. Eventually, pretending becomes normal and normal becomes dangerous.

The Statistics We Can No Longer Ignore

In the UK, around 14 men die by suicide every single day. Globally, over seventy-five percent of suicides are men. Those numbers are uncomfortable but perhaps they should be because behind every statistic is a person. A son. A father. A husband. A brother. A workmate. A friend Someone who mattered. Someone who was loved. Someone who had dreams, responsibilities and plans for the future and someone who may have spent years believing they had to carry everything alone.

The Human Stories Behind the Numbers

Statistics can sometimes create distance. They can make tragedy feel abstract and almost impossible to comprehend but these aren’t simply numbers on a page. They are people. They are empty seats at family dinners and birthdays that become painful reminders of somebody who should still be there. They are children growing up without fathers and parents having to bury sons. Perhaps one of the most heartbreaking realities is that many men who reach crisis point don’t necessarily want to die. More often than not, they simply want the pain to stop. That is why conversations like this matter. Not because men are broken but because men deserve better than a life spent suffering in silence.

Construction Taught Me Something About Men

After more than fifteen years in construction, I’ve worked alongside some incredible men. Men who would happily give up their weekend to help somebody move house, lend money to a mate without expecting it back or stay late to help somebody get a job over the line. I’ve seen loyalty, generosity and kindness in abundance. Some of the most selfless people I’ve ever met have worn high-vis and steel toe-capped boots.

But alongside those qualities, I’ve also seen another side of the industry. I’ve seen men carrying relationship problems, financial pressures and grief whilst still turning up to work every morning. I’ve seen men whose sense of humour slowly disappeared, men who became quieter over time and men who started drinking more than they used to. I’ve seen good people become isolated, not because they wanted to push others away, but because they genuinely believed staying silent was the right thing to do. Somewhere along the way, many of them had learned that keeping everything to themselves was simply what strong men did.

Strong Men Struggle Too

I sometimes think we’ve created a false choice, as though men can either be strong or vulnerable, strong or emotional, strong or honest but life doesn’t work like that. Strength and vulnerability aren’t opposites and never have been. Strong men struggle. Strong men grieve. Strong men experience anxiety. Strong men cry. Strong men ask for help and strong men sometimes need support. None of those experiences make somebody weak. They simply make them human.

Maybe We’ve Been Interpreting “Man Up” Wrong

The older I’ve become, the less convinced I am that the phrase itself is the problem. I don’t think we need to throw it away. In fact, I think we need to reclaim it. Perhaps “man up” was never supposed to mean shutting down emotions or carrying everything alone. Maybe it was always supposed to mean taking responsibility and perhaps one of the greatest responsibilities we have is looking after ourselves well enough to continue looking after the people we love.

When Silence Becomes a Definition of Strength

Pretending is exhausting. Anyone can say, “I’m fine.” Anyone can smile and hope things improve by themselves but honesty requires courage. It takes courage to admit you’re struggling. It takes courage to sit in front of a therapist and talk about things you’ve spent years avoiding. It takes courage to have difficult conversations and it takes courage to ask for help. The older I’ve become, the more I wonder whether we’ve misunderstood courage itself. Perhaps courage was never found in silence. Perhaps it has always been found in truth.

The Provider and Protector Paradox

Many men take enormous pride in being providers and protectors and rightly so. Wanting to provide for your family and protect the people you love is something to be admired. There is something honourable about responsibility and dependability but somewhere along the line, many men forgot that protecting others also includes protecting themselves.

Too many men spend their lives pouring into everybody else’s cup whilst allowing their own to run empty. Eventually exhaustion catches up. Stress catches up. The emotional weight becomes too heavy. Looking after yourself isn’t selfish and it doesn’t make you less dependable. If anything, it allows you to continue showing up for the people who matter most.

You Can’t Pour From an Empty Cup

The irony is that many men would encourage their best mate to seek support whilst refusing to seek support themselves. We often show more compassion to others than we do ourselves. Maybe it’s time we changed that because if you’re not here, you can’t provide. If you’re not healthy, you can’t protect and if you’re surviving rather than living, eventually everyone around you feels the impact.

What Are We Teaching Boys About Masculinity?

Every generation inherits a culture and eventually passes one on, which raises an important question. What are we teaching boys today? Are we teaching them that emotions should be hidden? Are we teaching them that tears are weakness and that asking for help somehow makes them less of a man? Or are we teaching them that being human is part of being masculine?

The Culture Boys Inherit Becomes the Culture They Create

I often think about something I said during one of my talks. The next generation will inherit the culture we create and the culture they embed will become the culture many years will follow. Perhaps this conversation isn’t just about us. Perhaps it’s about our sons and grandsons. Perhaps it’s about giving boys permission to become emotionally intelligent men who can be strong and vulnerable, responsible and honest, dependable and human.

Emotional Honesty and Masculinity Are Not Opposites

I don’t think the world needs less masculinity. I think it needs healthier masculinity. Masculinity that still values hard work, responsibility and providing for others but also values emotional honesty, self-awareness and connection. Those things were never enemies. Perhaps we’ve simply been taught that they were.

Courage Isn’t Found in Pretending

The older I’ve become, the more I’ve realised that pretending takes energy, whilst honesty brings peace. Maybe that’s what courage really looks like. Not suffering in silence, not carrying everything alone and not pretending everything is fine but being honest enough to say, “I’m struggling.”

Perhaps “Man Up” Was Never Meant to Mean Silence

Maybe being a man in 2025 isn’t about abandoning masculinity. Maybe it’s about redefining it. Not throwing away the values that matter but building something healthier on top of them. Something that allows men to be strong and honest, responsible and vulnerable, protective and human because perhaps “man up” was never meant to mean silence. Maybe it was always supposed to mean Speaking Up.