You go through life learning how to earn money, how to build a career, how to fix problems and how to show up for other people but no one ever really explains what happens when you lose something important or how you are supposed to handle it. At some point in life, everyone will experience some form of loss, yet most of us arrive at that moment completely unprepared. I’ll be honest, this is something I’ve personally struggled with. I’ve been in situations where someone close to me has gone through grief and I’ve felt completely stuck, not because I didn’t care but because I didn’t know what to say or how to show up properly. It’s uncomfortable, it’s unfamiliar and for many people, especially men, it’s something we’ve never really been taught to deal with.
That’s exactly why this conversation needed to happen. During a recent episode of the Onward Shift Podcast, I sat down with grief coach Kate Nudd to really understand what grief actually is and what quickly became clear is that most of us have been looking at grief in a very narrow way for most of our lives. We’ve been conditioned to associate grief with one thing, death and while that is absolutely a major part of it, it is far from the full picture. If that’s the only way you understand grief, then you’re missing a huge part of what people are actually experiencing every single day.
This blog is based on a conversation from the Onward Shift Podcast, where I sat down with grief coach Kate to properly understand what grief actually is. Not the surface-level version we’ve all heard before but the deeper reality of how it works, why it feels the way it does and what people can actually do when they’re going through it. Throughout this blog, I’ll refer back to some of the key insights from that conversation because a lot of what was shared completely changed how I see grief and I hope it helps you just the same way.
Grief is not just about losing a person. That was probably the biggest shift in my understanding. Grief is about loss in all its forms and loss shows up in far more ways than we tend to acknowledge. It can be the loss of a relationship, the breakdown of a marriage, losing a job, losing a business you worked years to build, losing your health, losing financial stability or even losing a version of life you thought you were going to have. It can also be things people don’t always talk about, like estrangement from family, drifting apart from friends or going through major life transitions where something about your identity changes.
What really stood out to me was the idea that you’re not just grieving what has happened, you’re grieving what was meant to happen. You’re grieving the future you had pictured in your head, the plans you had made, the direction you thought your life was going in. That future disappears in a moment and your mind has to catch up with a reality it wasn’t expecting. That’s why grief can feel so disorientating. It’s not just about processing what you’ve lost, it’s about adjusting to a life that no longer looks the way you thought it play out.
This is where a lot of people struggle because they try to make sense of grief using logic. They try to understand it, control it or fix it but grief doesn’t work like that. It’s not something you solve. It’s something you experience and gradually learn to carry.
One of the reasons grief feels so confusing is because it doesn’t show up in one consistent way. During the podcast, Kate explained that grief is far broader than most people realise and that understanding the different types of grief can help people make sense of what they’re feeling rather than thinking something is wrong with them.
Bereavement is the one most people recognise, losing someone through death brings an immediate and often overwhelming emotional response. Sadness, anger, disbelief and loneliness can all show up, sometimes all at once and sometimes in waves over time. As Kate explained during the conversation, “Grief isn’t linear, it doesn’t follow a straight line, it comes and goes in ways you don’t expect,” and that alone helps people understand why some days feel manageable and others feel heavy again.
Then there is anticipatory grief, which is something that really stood out in the conversation because it’s not talked about enough. This is the grief you experience before someone has passed away, for example when someone is living with a long-term illness or dementia. As Kate described it, “You can feel like you’re losing someone while they’re still here” and that creates a very confusing emotional experience because you are grieving in real time while also trying to stay present with that person.
There is also estrangement grief, which is becoming more common in modern life. This is when someone is still alive but no longer part of your life. A breakdown in relationships can leave a gap that is difficult to process because there is no clear ending. During the podcast, Kate explained that this type of grief can be just as intense because “you’re grieving the relationship and everything it was meant to be,” which is something a lot of people don’t even realise they’re experiencing.
Each of these forms of grief carries similar emotional weight but they manifest in different ways. That’s why there is no single right way to grieve and no timeline that applies to everyone.
If you prefer listening over reading, you can hear the full conversation on the Onward Shift Podcast.
Listen to the episode here:
https://youtu.be/n-MFQ5z5kFI
Listening in your van, on-site or on a walk can sometimes land harder than words on a screen.
One of the biggest shifts in my understanding came when Kate explained that grief is not just something that sits in your emotions, it lives in your entire body. We often think of grief as sadness or emotional pain but during the conversation she made it very clear that “grief is a full body experience” and that completely changes how you look at it. When you experience loss, your brain is trying to process a reality that no longer matches what it knew before. That takes a huge amount of energy. At the same time, your body is holding onto emotions that haven’t been expressed yet, which can show up physically as fatigue, tension, disrupted sleep or even feeling unwell. This is why people often say they feel exhausted when they are grieving. It’s not just in their head, their entire system is working overtime trying to process something significant and this is also why trying to ignore grief doesn’t work. As Kate explained, “If you don’t process it, it doesn’t disappear, it just stays stored” and that’s where a lot of long-term struggles begin.
This is where things get uncomfortable because the issue isn’t just personal, it’s cultural. As men, we are not taught how to deal with grief from a young age, we are often encouraged to be strong, to not show emotion and to keep moving forward no matter what is happening internally. Those messages aren’t always spoken directly but they are reinforced through behaviour, expectations and what gets rewarded.
In industries like construction, this is even more amplified. The environment values resilience, toughness and reliability. Those are all positive traits but they can also create a situation where emotional expression feels out of place. If you’re used to pushing through difficult days onsite, dealing with pressure and getting the job done no matter what, that mindset can carry over into how you deal with personal struggles.
The problem is grief doesn’t respond to that approach. You can’t just push through it and expect it to disappear. When men don’t process grief, they store it. They carry it quietly while continuing to function on the surface and over time that pressure builds. It can show up in ways that don’t immediately look like grief, frustration, anger, withdrawal or complete emotional shutdown. It’s not that men don’t feel deeply. It’s that many haven’t been given the tools or the space to understand what they’re feeling or express it in a healthy way.
One of the hardest things about grief is knowing how to support someone else. Most people want to help but they don’t know what to say, so they either say nothing or they say something they think will fix it. The truth is, you can’t fix grief. What people need is not solutions, its presence. It’s someone being there without trying to change how they feel. It’s being able to sit in that space with them, even if it feels uncomfortable. One of the most helpful things you can do is be honest. If you don’t know what to say, say that. It’s far more meaningful than trying to come up with something that sounds right but doesn’t actually help. Being specific with support also makes a huge difference. Instead of saying “let me know if you need anything,” which most people won’t act on, offer something practical. Offer to help with food, childcare, errands or simply to sit and spend time with them.
One of the biggest misconceptions around grief is the idea that you’re supposed to move on. It’s something people say with good intentions but when you really think about it, it doesn’t make much sense. If you’ve lost someone or something that mattered to you, why would you want to move on from that? The reality is you don’t move on, you move forward with it. Grief doesn’t disappear. It changes over time. It becomes something you learn to carry rather than something you leave behind. The intensity might reduce, the waves might become less frequent but the connection to what you lost remains. Trying to force yourself to move on can actually make things harder because it creates pressure to feel better before you’re ready. It can make people feel like they’re grieving incorrectly, when in reality there is no correct way to do it.
Instead of trying to cut ties with what you’ve lost, there is a concept called continuing bonds. This is about maintaining a connection in a way that feels meaningful and supportive rather than trying to let go completely. That could be as simple as cooking a meal someone used to love, visiting places that remind you of them or keeping certain routines that feel connected to that person or part of your life. It’s about integrating the memory or the meaning of what you’ve lost into your life rather than pretending it no longer exists. This approach removes the pressure to “get over it” and replaces it with a more realistic understanding of how humans process loss.
One of the most helpful parts of the conversation was moving away from just understanding grief and into what people can actually do when they’re in it because knowing what grief is doesn’t always help in the moment when you’re sitting there trying to deal with it.
Kate shared a few simple but powerful ways to start processing grief and what stood out was that none of them were complicated. They were all about creating space to feel, rather than trying to fix or rush through it. One of the first tools she spoke about was journaling. Writing things down gives your thoughts somewhere to go instead of keeping everything locked in your head. During the podcast, she explained that journaling helps you “make sense of what you’re feeling without needing to filter it,” which is important because a lot of people don’t express things properly when they’re speaking to others. Writing removes that pressure and allows honesty.
Another powerful tool she mentioned was writing a letter. This is especially useful when there are things left unsaid. You can write everything you wish you could say to that person or situation without holding back. As Kate described, “It gives you a way to express what’s still inside you” and for many people that can be one of the first steps in releasing some of the emotional weight they’ve been carrying.
She also spoke about the importance of continuing bonds, which is something that really challenges the idea of “moving on.” Instead of trying to cut ties with what you’ve lost, it’s about finding ways to maintain that connection in a healthy way. That could be through memories, routines or small actions that keep that connection present. As she put it, “You don’t have to let go to move forward” and that completely reframes how people approach grief.
What all of these have in common is that they don’t try to eliminate grief. They give you ways to process it, understand it and carry it differently.
What really stood out to me from this podcast is how much of grief we misunderstand. We think it’s something that only happens in extreme situations but the reality is people are carrying forms of grief every single day without even recognising it. Whether it’s the loss of a relationship, a shift in life direction or something deeper, people are walking around trying to process emotions they’ve never been taught to understand and in industries like construction, where emotional conversations are not always the norm, that becomes even more difficult. This is why conversations like this matter because sometimes the biggest shift isn’t solving the problem, it’s finally understanding what the problem actually is.
If you’re reading this and you’re going through grief, it’s important to understand that you’re not doing it wrong. There is no perfect way to grieve and no timeline you’re supposed to follow. Some days will feel manageable, others won’t and that’s part of the process. What matters is allowing yourself to experience it, rather than trying to rush past it and if someone around you is going through it, remember that your presence matters more than your words.
No one teaches you how to grieve but that doesn’t mean you have to figure it out alone.
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In our fast-paced, constantly connected world, it’s easy to overlook one of the most crucial aspects of our well-being: mental health. Often overshadowed by physical health, mental health is just as important, if not more so, in ensuring a balanced and fulfilling life.
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If you’re feeling overwhelmed or need someone to talk to, there are organisations that offer free, confidential support for mental health challenges, especially for professionals in high stress industries like construction and engineering. Here are some options available:
Provides a 24/7 confidential listening service for anyone struggling with their mental health or in distress.
A free and confidential text-based crisis support service available 24/7.
The Lighthouse Construction Industry Charity provides vital support to construction workers and their families, offering financial assistance, mental health support, and occupational health advice.
Mates in Mind works to improve mental health awareness within the construction sector. They provide training and resources to help businesses and workers address mental health challenges.
B&CE’s Construction Worker Helpline offers free support and guidance for industry workers facing financial difficulties, stress, or personal challenges. Available from 8am-8pm, 7 days a week.
Provides confidential advice and financial assistance for people working in the electrical industry.
The Rainy Day Trust provides financial assistance and support to those working in the home improvement, construction, and allied trades industries.
CRASH helps homelessness charities and hospices by providing construction-related assistance, offering expertise and materials for vital building projects.
This organisation helps young people discover career opportunities in the construction industry, breaking down stereotypes and offering pathways into the trade.
Offers emotional support and guidance for anyone affected by bereavement.
Provides 24/7 support for individuals struggling with gambling-related issues.
At AA, alcoholics help each other. We will support you. You are not alone. Together, we find strength and hope. You are one step away.
A free listening service for individuals experiencing suicidal thoughts, open from 6pm to midnight daily.
A helpline offering support and information to LGBTQIA+ individuals on topics like mental health, relationships, and identity.
Provides young people with advice and support on topics such as mental health, finances, relationships, and homelessness.
The construction industry can be both rewarding and challenging but no one should have to face difficulties alone. Whether you need financial help, mental health support or career guidance, these organisations are here to assist you. If you or someone you know is struggling, don’t hesitate to reach out. If you found this list helpful, consider sharing it with colleagues or on social media to spread awareness. Let’s build a stronger, healthier construction industry together!
The Mental Health Platform Built to Support Construction
The Mental Health Platform Built to Support Construction
